I watch the olive fall to the floor from the waitstation. It rolls right into the middle of the aisle between the bar and the tables. Nobody else sees it. The first ten or twelve footfalls pass overhead and nearby, but miss the mark. Two minutes pass and finally the smash I was waiting for takes place. It's not nearly as satisfying as I had hoped. I get bored and stop looking before I see if they even clean it up.
I just had dinner at the bar at Frankie's 457. I was thinking I was late for work but right when I started to leave I realized that I didn't have to be at work at 6:30, but at 7:00 PM. I catch a train quickly, and I know I can be a little late for work, so the plan is hatched.
I walk in and the cute girl bartender from last time is there. It's a little more crowded, and it's later in the day, but there is a seat at the bar. I start into "Dubliners" by James Joyce that I picked up at the thrift store last week with The Twilight Sad. I get a hot steamed cider and a big sparkling water. I order the roasted pork chop with broccoli rabe and pine nut polenta. It's delicious. The sauce is garlicy and salty and the chop is thick and perfectly done. It's the best meal I've had in quite a while... I almost don't count the steak at Wolfgang's because that's not like a dinner, but a big hunk of meat.
I guess I'm a little on the depressed side. I don't want to feel like I'm nostalgic or down during the holidays, it seems so cliche, but... I guess it's there. I can't help but think of Kendel, of Molly, of Debora. I'm not the first single guy to think of the loves of his life at this time of year. Real original.
I also know that I'm just a little depressed because my last two poker sessions have been losers. Even if I look at the stats and know that I'm up $1000 since I've gotten back from tour, I know how that can put me off. It just sorta runs as a background process to everything. And, of course, I've done nothing but sit in the poker club for basically the entire week, so it's hard not to think about poker.
I haven't really been thinking about sex, either. I'm feeling a bit numb to all of that. I've told myself that anybody new that I date / pursue / fuck / whatever is going to be truly beautiful and truly sweet, and that I'm not going to make any exceptions. And I actually think I can hold that promise to myself, but... I'm not going out or doing anything, so where would I meet her anyway?
It was really lovely to see Vicky the other night, and Allison is very sweet and smart. Melissa is a bit annoying with her negativity and clinginess, but still a very nice girl. It's probably good that Abby lives in Philly, and that whole Courtney thing was a mistake. And i'd love to see Kristin or Whitney or Jeanine (not that I even know if anything would happen with Jeanine), but... it would really just be for sex, even though I have fun with all of them and find them interesting.
I'm really so very much into the THOUGHT of Tessa. I have such warm thoughts of her. I think she's simply amazing. But... I know how she feels, and how I feel, and I don't know if it will ever progress. I already care for her so so much, but I already know that I'm keeping her at arm's length, and she's doing the same to me, and I don't think we'll ever hit a harmonic frequency and synchronize. I was talking with her about Lisa today, and I think in some regards it's going to be the same story with Tessa, although certainly not as crazy.
I really wish I could stop using "although", "certainly", "actually", and "of course" so damn much. I'm sure I can't, but... it's really driving me crazy when I read what I write... It drives me crazy WHILE I'm writing it.
But Tessa. Dear Sweet Tessa. She's a truly amazing woman. It doesn't hurt that she alternately reminds me of Molly and Debora, but... She's her own woman, and it's refreshing and amazing. It was very lucky to have met her... I'm very lucky to be spending the time I am with her now. I definitely know these things. I hate knowing these things. Because then the mind starts racing: am I only hanging out with her because I know how amazing she is and feel like I SHOULD be hanging out with her? I know that's not the reason, but sometimes I just really love to overanalyze my analysis. It's a good way to ruin something, and perhaps that's why I do that? I don't know.
All I know is that I should have sent her a text message an hour ago and I'm sitting here typing this instead. What's that all about? I know how to be responsible. Why do I choose to do something so unnecessary and dumb as to sit here and not do the basic things that I'm supposed to do. So I have an excuse for when things get fucked up or difficult? So that I can pretend that Tessa keeping me at arm's length is purely her decision and has nothing to do with my actual behaviour or attitude?
That's probably it, and I understand why somebody like Molly would call me pathetic. It IS pathetic behaviour. If you're a smart person and you KNOW that you are self-sabotaging, then why wouldn't you stop yourself from doing it? There's the cunundrum I've been trying to parse for the last fifteen years.
FOOTNOTE: As soon as I stopped typing the above and closed the file, Tessa texted me. I responded "just out of the shower. can i meet you somewhere?" Then I got in the shower. Such a fucking liar.